Throw Fate Out The Window

For the first time in my life, I don't want to know what's going to happen. That's the problem with believing that everything happens for a reason, with believing blindly in fate, that certain things are meant to happen. You can never take ownership of anything. You can never believe that anything happened because you made it happen, because you worked hard to make it happen. It just happened because it had to. But when you are living in a state of mind like mine where accomplishments are worth more than Fort Knox's gold, fate robs you of everything you will ever own. You are never the reason for anything good, only the things that are bad.” He smiled to himself as he took a sip of his scotch, “fuck man, in this self centered world you try not to live in, that's exactly what you become, but worse. Instead of believing that the world turns because you live and breathe, you think that you know that the only way for it to keep turning is for you to stop living and breathing. You do battle inside yourself not knowing whether you are a Nihilist like some, or a Determinist like most. You like to think that there is something else out there, something else to catch you when you fall, something which guaruntees your happiness, your survivial. But on the same token you wonder, 'where is this wonderful being who is supposed to lift me up from all this destruction and take me away? Where is my happiness? Why does everyone else find it but not me?' You like to think you're not alone but you are. Because just like you wish to not exist, the others who are like you wish the same thing. They put on that mask smile and they act like they are happy. They learn so much about the mood of happiness, that they learn, in tiny ways, how to feel it. Which only feeds their desire to be alone. They feel this happiness but once it is gone, the void, that inner voice, the 'Dark Passenger,' inside them and inside all of us, convinces them that the initial happiness was never real.

We, as in me and people like me, we chase this ideal of fitting in, of being popular. But what does that even mean? I have friends all around me, but I never stop to appreciate them. The 'Dark Passenger,' convinces me that I can do better, that I should strive for more, but when I get the gumption to do so, He also takes all the power from me. And what is it that He drives us towards? A large group of rich preppy friends who don't have a clue? The kind of people who act like they feel great around everyone, like they are happy-go-lucky, but in the end, they are just all of us? All they ever see are their flaws. The only difference is that they are better over-actors and they have enough of the 'happiness' to keep their 'Dark Passengers' quiet for longer. But in the end, He's still there. He tears at them, until they finally give in.

The people that people like me idolize are just like us. Like a tree with termites, we look fine on the outside while the inside is hollow, until one little breeze knocks us over and everyone sees the shattered remains of our insides. The difference is that they have people who block the breeze and kill the termites. Not because they care more, no they care much less than friends like mine do. But if they ditch one of their own then their own popularity goes down(so Clueless they are to the entire world of 6.4 billion people around them(only their own small problems such as fashion emergencies concern them)). And if they have someone who is empty inside, void of emotion, around them for too long, they're afraid they'll catch it, like some kind of plague. Plus someone who is sad will put quite a damper on their happy-go-lucky mood won't they?
The big picture though, is when someone like me blows over, its too late to catch me, too late to put me back together again. The sad part is that we block ourselves from killing the 'Dark Passenger,' we feel guilt in seeking help from others, we don't want to burden them. Our lives are bad enough, we don't need to spread it. How ironic then that the clueless ones are so afraid of catching what we can't give them, and we are likewise afraid of giving them what they can't catch.

Quote and thought for the day:

“Not all that Glitters is Gold; Not all who Wander are Lost”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien