Strike Me With Lightning, Steal My Thunder, Just Please, This Once, Leave Some Wind In My Sails

The nice thing about not existing in the 'real world' is that no one gives a damn about you. And I don't mean that in a 'my family hates me' bullshit kind of way. But for people like me, family is different, they never really see you for what you are. They see you for your strengths, and try to fix your weak points. IF the rest of the world ever sees me at all, they only see the side I wish I could kill. Kinda gives a different meaning to 'you can take my picture, but get my good side,' doesn't it? And this may seem odd to people, but it can be nice if you don't exist. When you want to hide from people it's easy because no one is ever looking. I don't have to try very hard to be alone, which makes it easy...until I realize how easy it was and how sad that really is. Chances are only the few people I asked to read this actually are, and that's fine. I never started this little experiment for anyone but myself. And yet I want so badly for everyone I know to read it. You live your life so long trying to get so far away from people, and yet all you want is all of them around you.

For a few of you, this is my way of saying goodbye. I need to cut loose. It's not that I don't like you. In fact I love all of you in your own way. But I can't do this anymore. Each of you has been either forced out of my life by my demons, or walked out of it because of your own, or a little of both. Whichever of those you think it is in your case is up to you, it really doesn't matter, I don't want or like to point fingers. But I can't live under this Illusion that I can bring you back into my life. Each of you hold a special place in my heart, or rather in the hole where my heart once was, as the piece you hold, is the piece in each of your hands, and I don't want it back. Keep it. I doubt you'll acknowledge it exists, but it does, don't get me wrong. The fact is, I gave each of you that piece of me because you earned, some by force, other more gently, but in the end you each deserve it, and nothing you or I did changes it. The fact is that life goes on, and people and friendships and relationships change, but true promises don't, whether you like it or not. In each of your case I'm not sure whether or not I regret my promise, but even if I did, it doesn't change a thing either. Anyway, regardless of how crazy you all think I am at this point, if you're even still reading this that's good enough for me.

A wise man once told me that you always have to be aware, especially when things are going well, because that's when you're closest to disaster. Those weren't his exact words, but I imagine that he knows who he is, and the point is still valid, the only difference is that I no longer see him as a pessimist. He's a realist. Which brings me to the other point for this blog. And the reasoning behind the title. It seems like I can never have one really good day. Dad, no offense, but until further notice do not say you are proud of me, because every time you do, that's when my days go south. This time with the realization that I screwed up simple addition and in one fell swoop I went from a guaranteed C or better in chemistry to anything but that. Sorry to my parents, I failed you guys again. I swear its not on purpose.

Walking to breakfast this morning I was thinking many things, mainly what happens IF I fail out of here, (which is not impossible, though not likely) and why oh WHY am I in this place again? Am I really doing the best I can, am I really giving 100% or is that just bullshit I tell myself to feel better? Am I really cut out for this whole college thing anyway?
First off, for so many reasons its not worth listing, I don't have a choice, even for the sole fact that I would rather have $100,000 worth of student loan debt and truly fail than just give up. Yes Dad I know that's stupid but IF I'm going to succeed at anything, truly succeed, overcoming adversity and all that other crap, college needs to be that first one, and even if I fail, no matter how much money it costs me, at least I will be able to hold my head up high knowing that I tried my best. And I know that I am. Am I doing the best I possibly can in every class? Not even close. But knowing and accepting that doesn't allow me to just do it. I can't explain it. It's just a fact of life. And the only person who ever even remotely fixed it no longer exists. I know I can do this. I know that somewhere inside of me there is strength. I just need to find it. And Fast. I AM however, giving life 100%, unfortunately, at this point, that's not all that important to the academic board at Purdue University, and right now they matter a lot.
But so do all of you. All I ask is not from any of you. All I request is to not always completely blow me away. Please. You can strike me with lightning and steal my thunder, but please, please, PLEASE, just this once leave some wind in my sails. At least until I can right this ship. Because that's not easy to do alone, but I'm the only one who can crew this ship, no matter how much anyone else wants to help. Eventually the mother bird has to push the babies out of the nest. I know that at least some of you want to catch me and bring me back into the nest until I'm 'more ready,' but you can't. This is the only way I can figure out how to live the life I've been given, no matter how hard it is to figure out.

Quote and thought for the day:

“Fred gets his paints out and goes to the basement
Projecting some slides onto a plain white
Canvas and traces it
Fills in the spaces
He turns off the slides, and it doesn't look right
Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones
It's time”

~ Ben Folds – Fred Jones Pt. 2

“Save Me Take Me Home,
When I Come Up For Air,
Save Me Take Me Home,
When I Come Up For Air,
Save Me Take Me Home,
Over And Over Again.
Save Me Take Me Home.

Will I Come Up For Air, Come Up For Air.
After A while The Coroner is Calling Me,
Lulling Me Waving Goodbye.
I’m Out Here Alone, Oh God Can You Save Me Now?
Sinking My Heart Turns To Stone.”

~ Atreyu – Lead Sails and a Paper Anchor