Know when to hold em` and when to fold em`. The key in poker, and a key to life. So simple, and yet it is one of the hardest to master. The problem of course is that you can hang on for months or years and not even realize it. You fall in love, and then, at the time you need them most, as you hang by a thread, they turn and walk away.
It's not their fault however. Well, not any more their fault than it is yours. You can only expect someone to love you so long until they see that they're above it, and above you. And when that really hurts is when they aren't superficial or egotistical. The hardest ones to let walk away are the ones who are caring, humble, and believe you're the greatest thing in the world right up to the end.
The other problem with this is that when you have that person, you're so happy, you don't realize how fragile you are, how close to that fall you're hanging. They walk away, the blinders come off, the fog settles, and you see how fucked you are.
When you're really screwed is when that rock starts to crumble and you're losing your grip. All the while, despite your depression, despite everything in your life, all you want is for them to be happy. Not in a stalker, 'I hope they come back to me' kind of way. In a caring and genuine kind of way.
Then it all falls apart as you realize that eventually, for them to be the kind of happy you're wishing for them, someone will take your place. Someone out there will make them so happy they forget all about you. Just a distant memory. Just an old Christmas present, just a dusty necklace in the back of an old jewelery box tucked away, deep and forgotten in a closet somewhere rarely heard from. You realize that this is just who you are. You care so much, that to let go, you have to have someone else to hold on to in order to not feel like you're betraying the one person who meant so much to you for so long.
Finally the rain comes, you let it all go, pour yourself out, but when you look up, you see you're all alone, no one is there to watch you fall apart, much less to put you back together.
And I'm done. I'm sick of this system. I'm sick of my losses holding me back and dictating my life. Does it make it easier to put myself out there? No, but that has nothing to do with some irrational fear of being hurt. When dealing with humans, pain is inevitable, and when you accept that, you're a lot happier due to good things happening around you. Maybe that sounds crazy, but think about it sometime. If you accept that people will cheat, and hurt your feelings, and tear you apart, and let you down, you no longer have to fear or dread those occurrences. Not only does it make life happier and more enjoyable, it also makes life easier, and sharing it even easier still.
So I let go. I let go of my past, I accept the fall, however far it may be. The pain of hitting bottom can't be nearly as bad the pain from hanging on. And who knows, maybe there will be someone unexpected waiting at the bottom to catch me with a smile. There's no doubt in my mind that there will be. All you have to ask yourself is if you can blindly believe in yourself to know you're worth being caught. If you have to think about it, take your time. The answer may surprise you. It surprised me.
Music for the day:
“I close my eyes and I keep seeing things:
Rainbow waterfalls,
Sunny liquid dreams.
Confusion creeps inside me rainin' down;
Got to get to you,
But I don't know how.
Call me, call me,
Let me know it's all right.
Call me, call me,
Don'cha think it's 'bout time?
Please won't you call and...
Ease my mind?
Reasons... for me to find you.
Peace of mind
What can I do...
...to get me to you?
I had your number quite some time ago,
Back when we were young,
But I had to go.
Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now,
Got to get to you,
Won't you tell me how?
Call me, call me,
Let me know you are there.
Call me, call me,
I wanna know you still care.
C'mon now won't you...
Ease my mind?
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do...
...to get me to you?
C'mon now won't you...
Ease my mind?
Reasons for me to find you(For me to find...)
Peace of mind(Ease...)
Reasons...for living my life.
Ease my mind...
Reasons... for me to know you.
Peace of mind
What can I do...
...to get me to you?”
-- Robert I is a fiction writer, sports analyst, poet, and political cynic. His Blog can be found through his facebook LiveBlog or at Our Lives In Retrospect. His sports writing can be found at Bleacher Report.
Posts
