A Light At The End Of It All

The crazy thing about saying goodbye to people is that you rarely want that to be the end. I don't mean the goodbye you say to your family when you leave for school, or your friends when you leave at the end of the night. I mean that real goodbye where you let that person out of your life and leave them free to go where they want. Its hard enough to say it in the beginning, but then to actually stick to it, to let that person go, it gets really hard. You want to know how they are, what they are doing, and how their lives are. And the worst comes when you do cave, and you ask them, and their life is great, they're doing all the things they want to be doing, the things you wish you were doing. It feels like lately everyone is living the life I wanted.

I wanted to marry a girl who's now engaged. I'd like to be like every other sane person and laugh and think what a mistake she's making, but really what I want to do is text her and ask her if she's really happy; if this guy is really what she wants, and what she needs. Half of me wants it all to be an internet hoax via facebook as we have all grown accustomed to. And a half of that half knows I want that because I still can't let her go. But the whole other half of me wants it to be real so that I can finally let her go, albeit forcibly, even though I know it will hurt me way more to know that she's gone forever as opposed to just thinking it. On the whole, I don't have a fucking clue how I feel about it, and I get the idea that I don't want to know. I'd probably scare myself.

I keep thinking that all I need to focus on is just moving forward from here, doing good on finals and going home for the summer. But then what? Work and save money over the summer spending most of my free time alone? And then what? I come back to school and go to class and then spend my free time alone again. It's nice to be optimistic, but I'm not seeing any light at the end of my tunnel. The years will go on and my friends will slowly graduate and move on. Yeah, I'll meet new people, but I won't get attached because I'll soon have to let go of them too. And then what you might ask? I get my degree, walk across the stage for my parents to look on and be so proud of me, then I find a job and a place to live and I do my 9 to 5 and the most I'd ever have to come home to is a dog and a cold glass of scotch. What a promising future.

Don't call me depressing, don't call me pessimistic. I'm being real. Some people just stay alone, they never find that person. Difference is that I found my person, but I wasn't hers. And she really was my one.

The problem with promising someone your heart is that from that point on, you have no direct control on where it ends up. That includes when they leave it on the side of the road for dead with a knife through it.


Quote and thought for the day:

'Time for the final bow,
Rows of deserted houses,
All our stable mates highway bound.

Give us our measly sum,
Getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly,
Starting out, with nothing but crippling doubt.

We'll rest easy justified.

Suffered a swift defeat,
I’ll endure countless repeats,
The gift of memory's an awful curse,
With age it just gets much worse,
But I won't mind,
I won't mind,
I won't mind,
I won't mind.'

~ Death Cab For Cutie – Stable Song

'I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.'

~ Death Cab For Cutie – Passenger Seat