Some say that motivation is harder to find than it is to keep, but I disagree. Look around you, and you will find that motivation towards any number of goals is all around you. The trick is to hang onto that motivation and ride it all the way to your eventual goal.
To some, a panic attack would be a terrible experience, something they would never wish for. But after the first real one of my life last week, it is all I want. To feel that powerlessness. To be able to let go of all that I hang onto and let everything just fall.
The problem with walls, as history shows us, is that they are much easier to put up than to tear down. Emotionally it's worse. You block people out long enough, and you no longer remember how to open the gate, or under which circumstances you can do so. You fear so strongly letting your guard down because, well, if you hadn't been hurt in the past by letting your guard down, you wouldn't have built a wall in the first place. You need so much reassurance that you can trust people before you let them in, that they get sick of trying and leave. Or they are blindsided when the facade you had put up so that they would feel that you had let them in comes crumbling down and all that's left in front of them is heartbreak and cold hard stone.
And it isn't their fault. How could it be? They didn't cause you the pain which forced the wall up to begin with. They didn't fight the war, they may know about all the battles, but they aren't there to rub salt in your wounds, they're there to heal you up and make you all better and show you that the world isn't so bad. But by the time you're convinced they won't turn on you, they're already gone, having never set foot inside the wall it seems will never come down.
So, how does this tie to motivation? Well, when acceptance by another human being is what you live for, not the friend or family type, but the raw acceptance which only comes from the one you share your heart, soul, and love with, that quickly becomes the only motivation you'll ever need. Problem is, once it is inevitably gone, you realize that was the only form and source of motivation you had, and what's worse is that it was the wall that you so desperately cling to for safety which drove them away.
So the panic attack. I panicked since a class of mine which was do or die was completely out of my hands and not yet guaranteed on paper that I had passed, and I just lost all control. I truly panicked, and that panic lead to sadness, which brought the most wonderful gift ever: tears. Tears are a truly wonderful thing when they flow freely, especially when no matter how much every day hurts, that only happens every few months for about a minute. To want to cry and not be able to, well, there's nothing worse. Trust me.
I was finally set free. By the tears, by the panic, by the sudden loss of hope. Not hope for my class, for my life. Hope that it would be what I'd always wanted. Well, what I'd always hoped for. Wife and kids, that whole thing. That's what I consider to be the only way I can be a success. And what I had to accept that day, walking back in the cold, wasted cigarette in my hand burning to nothing, is that I had to let that go. I had to find any little motivation within myself and my own singular life, or it was never going to exist. It's not depressing, it's not emo, it is liberating. It isn't what I wanted for my life, not by a long shot, but eventually we all must accept our shortcomings and move forward with what we have, not what we want. I found my life's motivation, though I will always be sad to have had to let go of my one life's goal to have it.
Losing all hope is freedom, a wise man once said, and I have gained my freedom. I have learned that my wall was built for a reason, and sometimes, if we wait too long to tear our walls down, they stay there for good. Berlin tore down its wall and realized how much better it was without it. I guess I'm just like old China, a little stubborn, sometimes misunderstood and ridiculed, but mostly stuck behind the wall I built, which will never let the woman I love in.
~Rob
Music for the day:
"This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
Thats all in the past
You call me a fool
You say its a crazy scheme
This ones for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
Ill make it this time
Im ready to cross that fine line
Ill learn to work the saxophone
Ill play just what I feel
Drink scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call alabama the crimson tide
Call me deacon blues
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind
I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
Ill rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
Ill make it my home sweet home
Ill learn to work the saxophone
Ill play just what I feel
Drink scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call alabama the crimson tide
Call me deacon blues
This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
Ill be what I want to be
Ill learn to work the saxophone
Ill play just what I feel
Drink scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call alabama the crimson tide
Call me deacon blues" - Deacon Blues ~ Steely Dan
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Short Just Like Your Temper
15 years ago