When You Put It That Way...The Fall Is The Easy Part

Know when to hold em` and when to fold em`. The key in poker, and a key to life. So simple, and yet it is one of the hardest to master. The problem of course is that you can hang on for months or years and not even realize it. You fall in love, and then, at the time you need them most, as you hang by a thread, they turn and walk away.

It's not their fault however. Well, not any more their fault than it is yours. You can only expect someone to love you so long until they see that they're above it, and above you. And when that really hurts is when they aren't superficial or egotistical. The hardest ones to let walk away are the ones who are caring, humble, and believe you're the greatest thing in the world right up to the end.

The other problem with this is that when you have that person, you're so happy, you don't realize how fragile you are, how close to that fall you're hanging. They walk away, the blinders come off, the fog settles, and you see how fucked you are.

When you're really screwed is when that rock starts to crumble and you're losing your grip. All the while, despite your depression, despite everything in your life, all you want is for them to be happy. Not in a stalker, 'I hope they come back to me' kind of way. In a caring and genuine kind of way.

Then it all falls apart as you realize that eventually, for them to be the kind of happy you're wishing for them, someone will take your place. Someone out there will make them so happy they forget all about you. Just a distant memory. Just an old Christmas present, just a dusty necklace in the back of an old jewelery box tucked away, deep and forgotten in a closet somewhere rarely heard from. You realize that this is just who you are. You care so much, that to let go, you have to have someone else to hold on to in order to not feel like you're betraying the one person who meant so much to you for so long.

Finally the rain comes, you let it all go, pour yourself out, but when you look up, you see you're all alone, no one is there to watch you fall apart, much less to put you back together.

And I'm done. I'm sick of this system. I'm sick of my losses holding me back and dictating my life. Does it make it easier to put myself out there? No, but that has nothing to do with some irrational fear of being hurt. When dealing with humans, pain is inevitable, and when you accept that, you're a lot happier due to good things happening around you. Maybe that sounds crazy, but think about it sometime. If you accept that people will cheat, and hurt your feelings, and tear you apart, and let you down, you no longer have to fear or dread those occurrences. Not only does it make life happier and more enjoyable, it also makes life easier, and sharing it even easier still.

So I let go. I let go of my past, I accept the fall, however far it may be. The pain of hitting bottom can't be nearly as bad the pain from hanging on. And who knows, maybe there will be someone unexpected waiting at the bottom to catch me with a smile. There's no doubt in my mind that there will be. All you have to ask yourself is if you can blindly believe in yourself to know you're worth being caught. If you have to think about it, take your time. The answer may surprise you. It surprised me.

Music for the day:

“I close my eyes and I keep seeing things:
Rainbow waterfalls,
Sunny liquid dreams.
Confusion creeps inside me rainin' down;
Got to get to you,
But I don't know how.

Call me, call me,
Let me know it's all right.
Call me, call me,
Don'cha think it's 'bout time?

Please won't you call and...

Ease my mind?
Reasons... for me to find you.
Peace of mind
What can I do...
...to get me to you?

I had your number quite some time ago,
Back when we were young,
But I had to go.
Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now,
Got to get to you,
Won't you tell me how?

Call me, call me,
Let me know you are there.
Call me, call me,
I wanna know you still care.

C'mon now won't you...

Ease my mind?
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do...
...to get me to you?

C'mon now won't you...

Ease my mind?
Reasons for me to find you(For me to find...)
Peace of mind(Ease...)
Reasons...for living my life.

Ease my mind...
Reasons... for me to know you.
Peace of mind
What can I do...
...to get me to you?”

-- Robert I is a fiction writer, sports analyst, poet, and political cynic. His Blog can be found through his facebook LiveBlog or at Our Lives In Retrospect. His sports writing can be found at Bleacher Report.

A Light At The End Of It All

The crazy thing about saying goodbye to people is that you rarely want that to be the end. I don't mean the goodbye you say to your family when you leave for school, or your friends when you leave at the end of the night. I mean that real goodbye where you let that person out of your life and leave them free to go where they want. Its hard enough to say it in the beginning, but then to actually stick to it, to let that person go, it gets really hard. You want to know how they are, what they are doing, and how their lives are. And the worst comes when you do cave, and you ask them, and their life is great, they're doing all the things they want to be doing, the things you wish you were doing. It feels like lately everyone is living the life I wanted.

I wanted to marry a girl who's now engaged. I'd like to be like every other sane person and laugh and think what a mistake she's making, but really what I want to do is text her and ask her if she's really happy; if this guy is really what she wants, and what she needs. Half of me wants it all to be an internet hoax via facebook as we have all grown accustomed to. And a half of that half knows I want that because I still can't let her go. But the whole other half of me wants it to be real so that I can finally let her go, albeit forcibly, even though I know it will hurt me way more to know that she's gone forever as opposed to just thinking it. On the whole, I don't have a fucking clue how I feel about it, and I get the idea that I don't want to know. I'd probably scare myself.

I keep thinking that all I need to focus on is just moving forward from here, doing good on finals and going home for the summer. But then what? Work and save money over the summer spending most of my free time alone? And then what? I come back to school and go to class and then spend my free time alone again. It's nice to be optimistic, but I'm not seeing any light at the end of my tunnel. The years will go on and my friends will slowly graduate and move on. Yeah, I'll meet new people, but I won't get attached because I'll soon have to let go of them too. And then what you might ask? I get my degree, walk across the stage for my parents to look on and be so proud of me, then I find a job and a place to live and I do my 9 to 5 and the most I'd ever have to come home to is a dog and a cold glass of scotch. What a promising future.

Don't call me depressing, don't call me pessimistic. I'm being real. Some people just stay alone, they never find that person. Difference is that I found my person, but I wasn't hers. And she really was my one.

The problem with promising someone your heart is that from that point on, you have no direct control on where it ends up. That includes when they leave it on the side of the road for dead with a knife through it.


Quote and thought for the day:

'Time for the final bow,
Rows of deserted houses,
All our stable mates highway bound.

Give us our measly sum,
Getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly,
Starting out, with nothing but crippling doubt.

We'll rest easy justified.

Suffered a swift defeat,
I’ll endure countless repeats,
The gift of memory's an awful curse,
With age it just gets much worse,
But I won't mind,
I won't mind,
I won't mind,
I won't mind.'

~ Death Cab For Cutie – Stable Song

'I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.'

~ Death Cab For Cutie – Passenger Seat